Thursday, February 6, 2014

JustaFUCKation

Justafuckation


I feel like I always need to justify my actions, my relationship to people who seem to think every person has to fit into a certain neat cookie cutter mold. I'm not actively trying to recreate the definition of relationships. I'm just trying to live my life fully, honestly - and that means finding companionship and sometimes some strange dick.

Listen, I had my own adjusting to do myself - coming to terms that accepting your urges doesn't sully or demean the quality and validity of your heart. It finally came down to understanding that men, or at least myself and my partner got to a point where the idea of having sex with each other was a bit boring. When we do have sex , it's amazing but frequently I'm be horny for cock but not my partners cock and it turns out we both feel the same way. I'll be sitting there with a raging hard-on wanting to shove some guys hard prick down my throat - but the idea of it being his, sometimes isn't as hot as the idea of it being a different dick, different balls resting on my chin while a throbbing shaft unloads down my throat. It doesn't mean I love him any less. Just means I get horny and wanna get dirty.

The only reason the world rotates around the current relationship rules are because that's how history, society and religion have led us to exist this way. The goals are nice, but not universal, somewhat artificial, nearly impossible to truly live in - and we only get one life. We really do, a lot of the way this world operates happen because we accept the status quo of what's been done before. It doesn't mean a lot of the way we live is great. In many ways, history has tried and failed and now we have the luxury of living with rules that have been curated over the years. But when it comes to relationships and sex - the cu-ration has been done by those with a very limited mind.

So yes I've found my soul mate and my souls mate, the person I want to grow old with and the person I want to care for and I want him to have a full amazing life, filled with adventure AND I want us to have an incredible life long relationship. He wants the same thing.

Of course we want the fairy take happily ever after but the truth is that doesn't exist (or maybe it does but it's rare and just because it's a fairy tale doesn't make it any better than other dreams) because at some point Prince Charming thinks about a quick roll in the hay with a servant. And really the fact that he'll think it at all tarnishes that innocent idea of Disney monogamy. I'd rather make the best of something real. My fairy tale is better - because it's honest and attainable. I get to have the adventure of my life with my prince and don't have to worry about those desires. We've accepted them, incorporated, encouraged them - though within healthy limits that take into consideration dangers and emotions.

That's why he think it's fine if when I'm horny and he's not around, it's perfectly fine for me to seek out some strangers cock to plow me - so long as the encounter is purely sexual. The desire is purely sexual so the encounter should be confined to that as well. No affection, no friendship - just one off animalistic urges being realized. That urge for me is natural. I enjoy being dominated, mounted. Visually, seeing a new cock in front of me is exciting in a very natural way. In a brain is shut off and I'm simply reacting the way I'm physically meant to in this moment kind of way. To restrain myself or jerk off to get the fantasy out of my mind sounds a bit like a cop out, sounds like me trying desperately to purge my hormones so I don't pursue my actual desires. The fact that I know what I like: getting topped and penetrated, used for the pleasure of another - and believe me nothing makes me sexually more excited than that - the fact that I understand it so basically and that is so far removed from romance and love that it really makes me think that sometimes the two are at odds. Who would want to do something fucked up like that with someone they love? 

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, yes. And when we do it's incredible because we know exactly what each other likes. And we've had to make up our own rules to make this work, because emotions get complicated, insecurities take over and jealousy can play an issue.

I do think there's a Jekyll and Hyde to it and I think that's how it should be - at least for me. It's hard to consolidate these two sides of myself or implement them in a way that doesn't turn heads or create gossip. Thing is...  I enjoy keeping them separate. I feel I'm entitled to something's in life that belong only to me, memories, admissions - that I am the sole proprietor for, that I will take to my grave (hopefully a very long time from now) and nobody will know about it

But this isn't advice. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I do think gay people have a lot of trouble with the love part, isolating that companionship and romance in a permanent way and seeing the value of a lifelong partner. In an effort to try to be so dramatically different, something ends up broken. They understand the sex side but without a foundation of companionship (not cumpanionship) there's only so happy you can be. I'm just trying to be everything I think I am and think I want. In that respect, this is probably more than a gay issue. Everyone has needs.

My views now are a far stretch from what they were a decade ago.

To live without this freedom could mean that one day, one of us cheats and that singular act could unravel a relationship that is so much more than sex. So why should we let sex be the rule that could break it? Of course, emotions are more complicated than that - and we don't claim to be experts - but the one thing we do and have done for a decade is love each other and communicate. And the more we communicate the closer we are. The rules are always changing, being renegotiated. The only goal is happiness and the best life ever. It's accepting who are and loving who we are completely, not unapologetically or recklessly but with honesty, thoughtfulness and pride.

I'm pretty happy and proud of that.

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